destiny's calling

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I have a lot to talk about today, all of a sudden. But I guess I'll just focus on one topic first since I have to study. (You'll realise how ironic this sounds after you read the rest of the post.)

Studied with Shimei today after math tuition. We digressed a lot. But that's okay. We talked about life and then it got me thinking again.

Is this what I really want? To get into a good secondary school thinking that it'll set my life on the right track, only to freak out and worry about every single minute thing that happens. Then go to some prestigious JC only to stress out about keeping up with everyone else (much less to say do better than). And then get into a 'renowned' university, AND get a mental breakdown when I can't finish my research papers, before finally getting the job I want and having no time to enjoy/spend time with my family/have time for myself?

I don't think I know what I want anymore.

Everything only seems so good and perfect when you're able to see the appearance of it. I mean, getting into good schools, doing well, obtaining a career path that you always wanted - they all seem so desirable. Like you'll be happy being rich and accomplished. But then when you think deeper into it, you realise that there're a lot more sacrifices that you have to make, and you don't even know if it'll ultimately make you truly happy. (I don't mean just happy. I mean truly happy.)

We can find bliss in so many things - the simplest of things in fact.

Talking to friends, sitting on the balcony and staring out at the pretty sky, listening to some random happy song, eating your favourite food, talking to your favourite people etcetc.
I think they generate very, very different kind of 'happiness' from material accomplishments. These are the tangible things that you can never hold on to or understand, and always the ones taken for granted. I mean, if you could pick between a Ferrari and a bike (free), which genius would pick a bike, right?

(I don't even know if I'm making sense at all. Sometimes thoughts are formed in your head and you know what you're talking about, but when you want to pen them down, everything becomes hard to organise.)

Anyway we started talking about going to some sea/countryside in some peaceful nice country and buying a house and sitting around enjoying life without any stress or worries. I pictured it in my head and realised I want that a lot more actually. Maybe it's because of all the stress and pressure that I'm under right now that I feel like giving up on a lot of things and choose the easier way out. But really, it looks so much happier in my head, as compared to living in a huge house, having social status but freaking out about how to maintain your image.

Do I sound coherent?..... Yea whatever hahaha. I'm just really confused about what I want in life now. It's not even about my fear of failing in life anymore. I'm back at square one where I don't even know what I want )':

Simplicity vs sophistication? oooooooook.

On a lighter note, it rained today. Kay fine it didn't, it drizzled. But I love the rain (: It makes me calm and happy. And I love the smell of the rain. It reminds me of things and people whom I love (': Oh and I saw a rainbow too,

It's so pretty (:

Hope I'll get over this random fear thing once SAs are over.

And to those out there who feel absurdly stressed out like me, all the best to you, may you find the steps that you've been looking for (: ♥